


Nor Shall We Mourn

by milowren



Series: The Halls of Valhalla [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Brotherly Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Nightmares, POV Loki (Marvel), Past Torture, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Mid-Credits Scene, Protective Thor (Marvel), Psychological Torture, Suicide Attempt, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2019-10-30 21:03:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17836151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milowren/pseuds/milowren
Summary: “Fine.” Thor rounded on him.  “You want to know what’s on my mind?  For one thing, I haven’t exactly forgiven you for faking your death and impersonating our father.  I meant what I said.  I am grateful that you came back to help defeat Hela, more than I can say — but don’t think that it makes up for abandoning our father on Earth and lying to me for years—years, Loki.  You let me think you were dead for years.  Why?”  Thor’s voice broke on the last word.  “I had already thought I lost you once.  Why would you do that to me again?”Loki stood unflinching in the face of Thor’s tirade.  He wasn’t surprised by any of this.  He had known Thor would have questions and that he could not avoid answering them forever.  “Which part would you like me to address first?” Loki asked calmly.  “Why I faked my death or why I impersonated Odin?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically my take on the post-"I'm here" scene. Taking place between that moment and the mid-credits scene, Thor and Loki discuss all the things they should have talked about during the movie, but couldn't because of plot, pacing, etc. For the purpose of this story, I'm going to assume they had a few days to chat before the mid-credits scene.

“I’m here.”

Loki held the stopper up in his hand for a few long seconds before letting his arm fall awkwardly to his side.  Thor had not said a word, simply continuing to gaze at him with a warm smile spread across his face, his one eye crinkled at the corner.  Loki wracked his brains for something else to say, anything to break the silence, but for once nothing came to mind.  Just as it was becoming truly uncomfortable, as he was thinking that perhaps he had made a mistake in coming back, Thor closed the distance between them in a few rapid steps and pulled Loki into a tight hug.  

Loki went rigid at the contact.  Thor had not hugged him since before his botched coronation so many years before.  In fact, Loki couldn’t remember hugging anyone else since then either.  For a moment, he held his breath, arms pinned by his sides, waiting for it to be over.  However, when it became clear that Thor didn’t intend to let him go until he reciprocated, Loki slowly brought his arms up around his brother and relaxed into the embrace.

“There,” Thor chuckled in his ear.  “Was that so hard?”

Loki fought the impulse to shove Thor away with a biting remark.  This newfound peace between them was much too fragile for that.  Had Thor not left him seizing on the floor of a hangar in Sakaar just the day before?  He had certainly seemed happy to see Loki reappear on Asgard, but Loki didn’t want to risk anything.  “No, I suppose not,” he said somewhat reluctantly, resting his chin on Thor’s shoulder.  “Although you’re beginning to crush me, brother,” he couldn’t resist adding.  

“Oh, sorry.”  Thor released him and stepped backward, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.  “I just…I’m glad you’re here.  I’m glad you came back.”  Thor gave him that warm smile again.  

“So I gathered,” Loki said.  He looked down at his feet to hide the faint flush that was spreading across his face.   _What’s the matter with me?_  he thought furiously.   _It’s only Thor._   But this was all unfamiliar terrain for him.  He had never stuck around to see what happened after Thor saved the day.  Were they supposed to…talk?  Loki felt like he had shown too much of his hand, that by following Thor to Asgard and returning to the Statesman he had revealed how much he cared, and he was not at all comfortable with it. 

Another awkward silence expanded between them.  “So…,” Loki cleared his throat.  “What do we do now?”

Thor laughed, and Loki was relieved that he sounded as uncertain as Loki felt.  “Well,” Thor said slowly, “I don’t know about you, but I think destroying our home planet to stop our evil sister from killing all of our people means we deserve a drink.”  As he spoke, he walked back over to the table where the drink he had already poured for himself had been abandoned the moment Loki appeared.

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Loki said, trying not to show how much his heart swelled to hear Thor say  _our_  so many times in one sentence.  It was the first verbal confirmation Thor had given that he still saw the two of them as a team of sorts since their conversation in the elevator when his brother had all but disowned him.  Loki had figured he was bluffing then – but it was nice to have his suspicion confirmed.  

Thor selected a bottle of some amber-colored liquid from an assortment on the table and poured a glass for Loki.  Glad to see the liquor was a normal color – this ship had after all belonged to the Grandmaster and Loki had tried some truly aberrant concoctions during his brief time on Sakaar – he took the glass from Thor and raised it.  “To your health,” he said with only the faintest hint of sarcasm.  

Chuckling, Thor raised his drink as well.  “And yours, brother,” he said, then downed the entire glass in one go.  “Another?” he asked, already reaching for the decanter.  

Loki stared at him, eyebrows raised.  “Well, at least you’ve stopped shattering things when you say that,” he muttered, taking a sip.  It burned a little but also warmed him from within.  Loki had forgotten how cold space was, even for him.  He finished the glass and handed it back to Thor to refill.  

As Thor poured the second round, Loki wandered over to the window on the far side of the room.  He couldn’t see anything outside – no other ships, no planets.  Just infinite blackness broken here and there by stars. Dread welled up inside of him before he even realized why. Then all at once, it hit him.  The view reminded him of the Void, of falling through nothing for an eternity, of silence, of cold, of oblivion.

And then he had landed and everything had gotten so much worse.  Loki shuddered.

Of course, Thor chose that moment to appear at his elbow.  “Are you okay?” he asked, handing Loki his glass, his eye filled with infuriatingly sincere concern.

“I’m fine,” he snapped, but he knew he was being unfair.  It was nice that Thor was concerned.  He had already admitted to himself that he wanted Thor to care, so there was no sense in denying it now.  He sighed and took the drink.  “I’m just…cold,” he finished lamely.  

“ _You’re_  cold?” Thor said with surprise.  Loki didn’t miss the inflection.

“Yes, Thor, even frost giants can sometimes feel cold,” he said, but there was no venom in his tone.  He was suddenly exhausted.  Turning away from the window, Loki walked a few feet and more or less collapsed into the nearest chair – high-backed and upholstered in what looked like red vinyl, a monstrosity undoubtedly designed by the Grandmaster. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was better than still being on his feet.

Thor remained staring off into literal space.  “I just can’t believe it’s gone,” he said abruptly.  “Our home, almost everyone we ever knew…it’s all gone.”  Thor turned to face him, and for the first time he really looked like he had lived for more than a thousand years.  “If I tell you that you’re all I have left, are you going to stab me?”

Loki gave his brother a weary smile.  “You’re treading on dangerous ground,” he said, “but just this once, I’ll allow it.  Even if it’s not true.  You still have Heimdall and Banner and the rest of your moronic friends on Earth.” Though why Thor would deign to associate with them, Loki still didn’t know.

“Yes, I suppose,” Thor sighed and stumbled into the chair beside Loki.  “But all the same, I’m glad to have you here too.”

“You already said that,” Loki reminded him, shifting uncomfortably. Thor was being unusually open with his feelings. Perhaps his suspicious nature was getting the best of him, but Loki sensed a trap.  “You certainly seem to be feeling sentimental tonight.”  

“I know I did,” Thor said, ignoring the second part of Loki’s statement.  “But you didn’t have to come back.  Not just to the ship, but to Asgard.  You saved everyone.  We wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t shown up with the Statesman.”

“You really don’t need to thank me,” Loki mumbled, avoiding Thor’s gaze.  He didn’t know why he was denying the praise. Hadn’t he wanted this?  To be the hero of Asgard, whose bravery surpassed even that of his mighty brother?  But now that it was spoken aloud, Loki felt like he didn’t deserve it.  He took another drink to hide his uneasiness.

“I’m not trying to thank you,” Thor said.  “I’m just saying – you did the right thing.  And I’m…” Thor trailed off and paused for a long moment.  “I’m proud of you.”

Loki was stunned into silence.  This was a complete reversal from the words Thor had said when he left him on the hangar floor.   _Life is about growth, but you seem to just want to stay the same,_  he had said.   _You’ll always be the God of Mischief, but you could be more._   Loki’s return to Asgard was motivated mostly by the desire to prove Thor wrong, and apparently he had succeeded.  Or maybe he had proven Thor right?  He wasn’t sure anymore.

“Okay, now I am going to stab you,” Loki said when he could speak again.  

Thor laughed.  “Come on, I thought you wanted to be the savior of Asgard,” he said.  “Isn’t that what your play was all about?  But when I try to acknowledge it, you don’t want to hear it."

Loki shook his head.  “I did – I do. I just, I don't…thank you,” he said haltingly.

Thor frowned at him, forever trying to unravel the enigma that was his brother. “You know I didn’t mean it, right?” he asked. Loki suspected what Thor was referring to, but he elaborated anyway. “What I said in the elevator. That you should have stayed on Sakaar and we’d be better off going our separate ways. We’ve had our share of ups and downs — actually, we’ve had way more than our share — but I would never want you out of my life. You know that, don’t you?”

Raising an eyebrow, Loki quipped, “Well, if I didn’t before, the hug kind of gave you away.” 

Thor turned his eye heavenward — or would have, if they had any heavens to look toward at the moment. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, Loki,” he said, unamused.

Unable to keep the note of rancor out of his voice, Loki muttered, “Yes, because that’s always worked out so well for us.”

“Things could be different now,” Thor argued. “Everything else has changed. Why can’t we?”

Loki was quiet for a long moment. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his relationship with Thor to improve. Of course he did. But he was wary of things going too well for him. It was only a matter of time before the universe corrected itself and swung in the opposite direction. “We can try,” he said at last, not bothering to conceal his skepticism. 

Clearly not satisfied with this answer, Thor thew his hands up. “Well, why did you come back then?” he asked sharply. “If you don’t want things to change between us? Why are you here?”

Good question. “I do! I…it’s complicated,” Loki said, not quite meeting Thor’s eye.

Thor sighed heavily.  “It always is with you,” he grumbled.

Although Thor was merely agreeing with what he had just said, Loki couldn’t help feeling affronted.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked testily.

Thor gave him an exasperated look that quickly turned into a deliberately vacant expression.  “I don’t think we should get into it tonight,” he said finally.

“No, I think we should get into it,” Loki countered. He knew he was setting his own trap now, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

Scrubbing his eye with his hand, Thor started to get up from his chair.  “Look, it’s been an extremely long day for both of us.  We should both just get some rest and we can talk more tomorrow.”

“Or we can talk about it now,” Loki said, also standing.  Thor started to walk away, presumably over to the door so he could force Loki out, and Loki followed, lessening the distance between them with every word.  “You clearly have some things weighing on your mind.  So go ahead.  Unburden your soul, air your grievances, let’s just get everything all out in the open—”

“Fine.” Thor rounded on him.  “You want to know what’s on my mind?  For one thing, I haven’t exactly forgiven you for faking your death and impersonating our father.  I meant what I said. I am grateful that you came back to help defeat Hela, more than I can say — but don’t think that it makes up for abandoning our father on Earth and lying to me for years— _years,_  Loki.  You let me think you were dead  _for years._   Why?”  Thor’s voice broke on the last word.  “I had already thought I lost you once. Why would you do that to me again?”

Loki stood unflinching in the face of Thor’s tirade. He wasn’t surprised by any of this.  He had known Thor would have questions and that he could not avoid answering them forever.  “Which part would you like me to address first?” Loki asked calmly.  “Why I faked my death or why I impersonated Odin?”

Thor looked taken aback. Evidently, he had not expected Loki to want to explain himself so readily. But to be honest, Loki was tired of his secrets. He had had the opportunity to keep running, keep hiding, and he had chosen instead to come back to the only place where he had ever really felt like he belonged. He would not have done so if he were not prepared to face the consequences of that choice.

Thor coughed, trying to compose himself after his outburst. He took a deep breath and then met Loki’s gaze. “Why did you fake your own death?” he asked in a much more even voice.  

Loki had rehearsed this moment in his head for years, the entire time he was pretending to be Odin. “Well, the first answer to that question is that I didn’t. Not really,” Loki said. “Or at least, I didn’t intend to.” As he spoke, he untied the side of his tunic and pulled open the front, revealing a jagged, pink scar, several inches long, right in the middle of his chest. There was no room for doubt as to what could have caused it.

Thor gasped audibly, his cool composure gone as quickly as it had appeared. One hand reached out toward Loki, like he wanted to touch him, but then he caught himself and jerked his arm back. He couldn’t tear his eye away from the scar.

Anticipating his next question, Loki said, “It’s not an illusion, but you can touch it if you need to make sure. I know I haven’t made it easy for you to trust me.” He stayed perfectly still and eyed Thor warily, waiting to see what he would do.

Raising his hand again, Thor took a tentative step forward and let his fingers barely brush against Loki’s chest. The scar remained clearly visible. Thor looked up at Loki with an anguished expression. “It was real?” he said in a choked voice. “It wasn’t a trick?”

“No,” Loki said quietly, stepping backward and retying his tunic. “It wasn’t a trick.”

“But…how?” Thor looked wildly back and forth as though the answer would just appear to him. “That wound was mortal, I know it was. I watched you die. _How_ did you survive?”

Loki shrugged and gave Thor a humorless, tight-lipped smile. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I thought that I was dying too — it certainly felt like I was. When I woke up a few hours later, it was as much of a surprise to me as it would have been to you.”

At this, Thor looked stricken. “Oh god…,” he groaned, squeezing his eye shut. “I left you there. Loki, I’m so sorry.” He opened his eye and looked at Loki pleadingly. “I would have sworn you were dead. I swear, I never would have left you there if I knew you were still alive.”

“I know, Thor.” Loki held up his hands to stop Thor’s spiral into self-flagellation. “I know. I’m not sure, of course, but my guess is that the wound was so severe, it took every bit of my magic reserves to heal. It must have left me so close to death that you couldn’t tell the difference. I don’t blame you for leaving me there,” Loki said gently, seeing that Thor still looked devastated. “I know you had to go save the world.”

“I was planning to come back,” Thor said hoarsely, “but by the time I defeated Malekith and returned to Asgard, they said your body had already been recovered.” The question was evident in Thor’s expression when he looked back up at Loki.

“Ah yes,” Loki nodded. “I transformed a dead elf into my corpse, and then I disguised myself as a guard and went back to Asgard to report the discovery of my body to Odin. It all played out rather well,” he added conversationally.

Thor glowered, the mention of Odin reminding him that he had more important concerns than his regret at leaving Loki for dead several years before. “So you woke up from a fake death you didn’t plan and just immediately decided to go back to Asgard and steal the throne from our father?” he asked skeptically.

“Not exactly.” Loki looked down. This was the part of the story he was dreading. He had avoided even thinking about it for years — his problems had seemed so abstract while he was pretending to be someone else — but it was now or never. “I think we better have another drink for the rest of this conversation,” he said to Thor.

Thor must have sensed the gravity of the moment because he didn’t argue. He retrieved the decanter and gestured for Loki to return to his seat, silently filling both of their glasses. After handing Loki his drink and taking his seat as well, Thor looked at Loki expectantly. 

Loki took a deep, steadying breath. “There’s a lot you don’t know,” he began, “about what happened after I fell into the Void.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tells Thor what happened when he fell into the Void.

_There was no sound but the air rushing past him, the wind so cold and thick it was nearly tangible, like shards of ice pelting his skin.  This isn’t right, Loki thought.  Space is supposed to be a vacuum.  There shouldn’t be air here._

_But the Void seemed to follow its own rules.  There should not have been gravity in space either, and yet he continued to fall._

_Down, down, down.  Had it been hours, days, years?  Time lost all meaning.  There was little use for such a construct when nothing ever changed to mark its passage.  No matter how far he fell, the world remained cold and dark and empty._

_He grew numb, so gradually he barely noticed it, first unable to feel his arms and legs, and then unable to feel anything at all.  Was he just a pair of floating eyes and nothing more?  But it was still so dark, he couldn’t see anything.  Maybe his body had been torn apart by the Void and all that was left were his thoughts.  Maybe he was already dead._

_Eventually, he lost consciousness.  Perhaps the air ran out after all, or else his brain just saw no point in recording his free fall through eternity.  A small mercy._

_The next time Loki was aware of anything, he was lying face down on cold, solid ground, and there were unfamiliar voices speaking above him, their words slowly penetrating the fog in his head.  He kept his eyes closed and remained immobile as he tried to make sense of the conversation._

_“Definitely Asgardian.”  A deep, guttural voice, not likely human or humanoid.  Obviously talking about him, trying to figure out where he had come from.  Loki wanted to laugh — they could join the club._

_“You’re certain?”  This voice was high, sneering. He was dealing with at least two potential adversaries then.  He could handle that.  If he could summon the will to stand._

_The first voice grunted in affirmation.  “We’ve fought their kind before, centuries ago,”  he said.  “I recognize the armor.”_

_It’s a costume, Loki thought bitterly.  A mask, a charade, an elaborate pageantry meant to hide the monster that lies within.  Glad to know I’m not the only one who was fooled by it._

_Loki briefly tuned out the voices overhead and took stock of his current state.  So he was alive.  That was…something.  Disappointing?  A relief?  He didn’t know._

_The left side of his face felt raw, like it had been flayed, and he could taste blood in his mouth, but apart from that nothing seemed to be too terribly damaged.  A bubble of hysteria rose into his throat.  Alright, so he could add suicide attempt to his list of monumental failures.  Not only had he failed to die, but he had actually crash landed face first onto a seemingly hostile planet.  This day really could not get any worse._

_“Is it alive?” the sneering voice asked._

_In response, the other figure kicked Loki onto his back and held a sword to his throat._

_Okay, maybe there was a chance it still could._

_Not seeing any way around it, Loki opened his eyes and stared up at the figures standing over him.  The one holding the sword was hooded so Loki couldn’t make out its face, but he could see enough to tell that he was correct in his assumption that it was nowhere near human.  The other figure was slightly more humanoid, except for its corpselike gray pallor and the alarming lack of a nose.  They were definitely not natives of any of the Nine Realms._

_Loki glanced behind them to survey his surroundings for the first time and saw immediately that he had been generous in calling this place a planet. It was more of a barren chuck of rock, cast in darkness, floating aimlessly in space. A fitting destination for his exile._

_Although the tip of a sword was still pressed into the hollow at the base of his throat, Loki felt no fear.  Not long ago, he had stared into an abyss and let himself fall, forsaking everything he had ever known — his home, his family, the pervasive lie that was his entire existence.  He had welcomed death gladly, his life was already forfeit.  So really, what more did he have to lose?_

_“If you’re going to kill me,” Loki said tonelessly, barely needing to feign his disinterest, “by all means, just get on with it.” He propped himself up onto his elbows and looked at his foes with disdain._

_For the briefest of moments, the noseless figure looked surprised by his defiance. Then his face broke into a grotesque smile. “That is not for us to decide,” he said in his high, sinister voice. “Rejoice, child, for your fate is now in the hands of the mighty Thanos.”_

 

*******

 

“Thanos?” Thor interrupted, his brow furrowed. He had been quiet until now, listening to Loki with rapt attention, hanging onto every syllable.

“You know of him?” Loki asked carefully, refusing to let the waver that wanted to creep into his voice betray his fear. Part of him was still afraid to speak Thanos’ name aloud, believing it would somehow reveal Loki's location to him. A silly superstition.

“I’ve heard the name,” Thor said hesitantly, “in Father’s stories, maybe? He used to massacre planets, didn’t he? They also called him the —”

“The Mad Titan, yes,” Loki cut in. “And that’s all correct, except for the ‘used to.’ The last time I checked, he was still a genocidal maniac.” Loki laughed without any humor. “Although it takes one to know one, I suppose.” He tried to sound nonchalant, but he couldn’t quite suppress the wince as he reflected on his past deeds.

Thor contemplated him gravely. “You’re not a genocidal maniac,” he said seriously. “You — you were in pain, you weren’t in your right mind.”

Loki sighed. Classic Thor, always wanting to believe the best in people, no matter how many times they proved him wrong. “I wish that were true,” he said. “I guess it sort of is, regarding my attack on Midgard.” Loki ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “As for Jotunheim, I can’t claim that excuse. It’s true I was in pain, but I knew what I was doing.”

“Well, I can’t exactly blame you for that one,” Thor said, with a rueful half-smile. “I was ready to attack Jotunheim too, for far less than you.”

Loki smiled at his brother gratefully. “Yes, I suppose that’s true, isn’t it?” Sometimes he forgot that his brother had not always been this selfless hero, that it had been a long journey for him to get here. The thought gave him some comfort — they were both still works in progress.

They sat in silence for a long moment. Loki took a sip of his drink, taking full advantage of the liquid courage. This story wasn’t going to get any easier to tell from here on out. 

“So,” Thor cleared his throat. “So. After that, they took you to see Thanos?”

Loki closed his eyes. He could still remember it all so clearly, like it had been mere days instead of several years. How Ebony Maw had used his telekinesis to bind his hands behind his back with a scrap of metal, giving Loki his first taste of being a prisoner. The feeling of cold dread that had washed over him as he stepped onto Thanos’ ship and realized just how out of his depth he was. But he had been arrogant. He had thought since he had faced death and emerged unscathed, nothing could touch him anymore. He’d been wrong. 

“Yes,” Loki whispered. He opened his eyes and found Thor’s gaze endlessly compassionate. It made his voice stronger. “Yes, Ebony Maw — the one without the nose — he took me aboard Thanos’ ship, the Sanctuary. And then I had an audience with the Mad Titan himself.”

Thor seemed unsure what to ask next. He had undoubtedly inferred that Loki’s time with Thanos had not been pleasant. “Well, he obviously decided not to kill you!” he said finally, with an extremely forced attempt at lightness. 

“Yes, there is that,” Loki said, giving Thor a tight smile. “I was fortunate that he saw me as an ideal potential ally. A disgraced, nearly immortal god who was skilled in the magical arts AND had already displayed a penchant for mass murder? You can see why he thought he could make use of me.”

Thor nodded automatically, unable to really dispute Loki’s description of himself. “So he told you he wanted you as an ally and you…decided to join him?” he asked. There was no judgement in his voice. He actually sounded almost hopeful that this was how it had happened, that Loki had just decided to join Thanos of his own free will, no coercion required.

“Certainly not,” Loki said, raising his eyebrows. “I had just gotten out from under Odin’s thumb. I had no intention of bowing to another overlord and becoming a pawn in someone else’s grand scheme. I basically told him to go to Hel.” Loki laughed shakily. “He didn’t like that. And Thanos can be - ah - quite persuasive.”

Thor’s expression darkened, and the next question seemed wrought from his throat almost against his will. “What did he do to you?” he asked through clenched teeth, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. 

For a few seconds, Loki couldn’t breathe as his mind was bombarded by painful visuals. The Black Order surrounding him, taking turns experimenting with different torture techniques to see what was most effective. Proxima Midnight with her three-pronged spear, electrocuting him. Ebony Maw using his powers to impale him with metal bars from across the room, removing them just long enough for Loki to heal before starting the process all over again. Thanos asking him every day if he had had enough, until one day he finally had. 

When he spoke again, his tone was light. Unlike Thor, he had had years to process all of this information. Most of the time it felt like it had happened to someone else, in another life. 

“Oh you know, your basic, run-of-the-mill torture,” he said, as unaffected as if he were discussing what he had eaten for dinner the night before. “It was mostly Thanos’ minions doing the actual torturing, rarely Thanos himself. They realized pretty quickly that I didn’t fare well with heat, go figure.” Despite himself, Loki shuddered at the memory of being chained in the Sanctuary’s boiler room for days at a time, until his blood itself was boiling and his vision went black and he was certain that he would die of thirst at any moment. 

Loki chanced a look at Thor and saw his brother had gone quite pale. One of his fists clenched and unclenched repeatedly, and Loki was certain he would be summoning Mjolnir if he could. Perhaps he had said enough…but he had come this far, and Loki knew if he didn’t keep going now, he would never bring any of this up again. 

“The worst, though, was when they turned my own tricks against me,” Loki said quietly, looking down again, “and cast illusions. To make me think I was being rescued.”

Loki didn’t say any more than that. He didn’t say that nine times out of ten, the illusions were of him being rescued by Thor. That more than once, when he was at his most desperate, he had cried out in his cell for his brother to save him. That he had prayed for weeks that Thor would somehow hear him, that Heimdall would see him, that _anyone_ would come to help him, before he finally gave up all hope. He could tell from the haunted expression on Thor’s face that he didn’t need to. Thor knew exactly what he wasn’t saying.

“Loki…,” Thor said brokenly, leaning forward and dropping his head into his hands. For a minute, he seemed unable to speak, overcome by the horrors his little brother had faced without his knowledge. When he looked back up, his bright blue eye was swimming with tears. “Loki, I can’t…I don’t…I —” he cut off abruptly, his voice failing him.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Loki said, still staring at his hands. “I know it’s a lot.”

Thor shook his head in response. “I want to say I’m sorry,” he began again, “but I know that it’s not enough, not even close.” He looked at Loki miserably. “Can you ever forgive me?”

Loki met Thor’s gaze. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he said without hesitation. “You thought I was dead, of course you didn’t come looking for me.”

“No, not that.” Thor shook his head again. “It’s my fault. If I hadn’t destroyed the Bifrost, none of this would have happened. You never would have fallen into the hands of that madman.”

Loki blinked at Thor. He had suspected that his brother would blame himself, but this degree of self-recrimination was beyond anything he’d imagined. “Are you serious?” he asked incredulously. “Have you forgotten that you destroyed the Bifrost to stop me from destroying an entire planet?”

“There must have been another way,” Thor said stubbornly. “If I had just stopped to think —” 

“There wasn’t,” Loki interrupted. “You knew that then and you know it now. Besides, even if you had found another way, who’s to say I wouldn’t have taken my failure and leapt off the edge anyway? I wasn’t exactly in a good place.”

Thor blanched at the casual mention of Loki’s suicide attempt, but he set his jaw with determination. “Fine,” he said, “maybe it wasn’t my fault that you fell. But you’re wrong, I _should_ have gone looking for you. Heimdall said he couldn’t see you, and I just gave up. I just accepted you were gone without considering any alternative.” Thor looked more ashamed than Loki had ever seen him before. “Maybe a part of me thought that would be easier.” 

That hit Loki like a punch in the stomach. “Well,” he said, desperately trying to sound more indifferent than he felt, “I suppose I can’t blame you for that. It probably would have been.”

“No,” Thor argued. “I should have made absolutely certain that you were dead. In the Void _and_ on Svartalfheim. Instead, I cast you aside as soon as I could and abandoned you to whatever fate would find you.” Thor closed his eye and let out an empty laugh. “I really am the worst brother.”

Loki shook his head fervently. “There’s no way you could have known,” he said insistently. “No one survives falling into the Void. I don’t know why I did, but it wasn’t so you could beat yourself up about it years later.”

Thor looked at Loki guiltily. “All the same,” he said, “I’m s—”

“Do _not_ say you are sorry,” Loki hissed, his patience wearing thin. He had thought Thor’s remorse might leave him feeling gratified, but instead it just left a bad taste in his mouth. “It all happened a long time ago, and you feeling guilty won’t change anything. Besides, that’s not why I am telling you all of this.” 

“Why are you telling me this, then?” Thor asked.

Loki paused. Why was he again? He had gotten a little lost in his reminiscence. Oh, right. “To explain why I faked my death the second time, you needed to understand how I cheated it the first time.”

“Okay…” Thor said. “So you faking your death on Svartalfheim had something to do with Thanos?”

“No,” Loki said. “It had everything to do with Thanos.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tells Thor more about his infamous attack on New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Marvel confirmed in December that Loki was under the influence of the Mind Stone during the first Avengers movie, this is my attempt to explain how that might have worked and how Loki felt about it.
> 
> Please note that I have only seen Age of Ultron once, so I can't remember how much Thor might have known about Thanos prior to Infinity War. For the purposes of this story, he didn't know anything about his quest for the Infinity Stones or his involvement in the attack on New York.

Thor stared at him intently, his electric blue gaze piercing into the very depths of Loki’s soul.  “You were afraid of him,” he said bluntly.  It wasn’t a question.

Loki shrugged, although there was no point in denying it.  “When you make a deal with the devil, he tends not to take it very well if you don’t uphold your end of the bargain.”  

Thor frowned so deeply that the lines in his face looked dangerously close to becoming permanently engraved.  “You mentioned that Thanos could be persuasive,” he said.  “What exactly did he persuade you to do?”

At long last, the moment of truth.  This had been the most difficult secret to keep — Loki knew the truth would likely have freed him from imprisonment on Asgard, possibly even redeemed him in the eyes of his father and brother.  But it also would have opened the door to countless questions and forced him to provide answers he wasn’t ready to give.  Silence had been the path of least resistance.

Not anymore, though.

“You remember that whole attack on Midgard?” Loki asked, examining his fingernails with a perfected air of indifference.

Thor gaped at him.  “That was Thanos?”

Loki raised his head, abruptly dropping all pretense that this was a casual conversation.  “That was Thanos,” he said softly.  “You asked me then who controlled the would-be king.  Now you know.”

The words hung in the air between them, heavy and irretrievable.  Loki regarded his brother silently, allowing him to digest this news.  Though his eye remained fixed on Loki’s face, Thor’s gaze turned inward, unseeing.  Loki had no doubt that he was mentally reliving every one of their encounters on Midgard, fruitlessly searching for any clues that might have indicated the true origin of Loki’s actions.  He wouldn’t find any — Loki had been careful to never mention Thanos’ name or allude to him at all during that time, though in hindsight he could not say whether that had been his own decision.  

Loki was beginning to worry that Thor had gone mute when he finally spoke again.  “I knew you weren’t right,” Thor said slowly, “when I saw you on Midgard.  You were so different, so angry…almost feral.  But I didn’t question it.  At least, not as much as I should have.”  Thor smiled sadly.  “I just thought you must have truly hated me that much.”

“I did hate you,” Loki said honestly, “and I didn’t.  Again, it’s complicated…like it always is with me, apparently.”  He raised an eyebrow at Thor sarcastically.

Thor rolled his eye in response, before his expression became serious once more.  “So when you agreed that you weren’t in your right mind on Midgard,” he began, “what did you mean by that?  That you were coerced?  Or was there something else?”

Loki shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  Thor was truly much more perceptive than he had ever given him credit for.  “It’s difficult to explain,” he said reluctantly.

Thor sat back and crossed his arms.  “Try me.”

Sighing in resignation, Loki reached for the decanter to refill his and Thor’s drinks.  “Okay, fine,” he said, handing Thor his glass.  “But I want to start by saying that I am not trying to shirk responsibility for anything that I did.  I know that some of the blame still lies with me, no matter who else was involved.”

Thor nodded and took a sip of his drink.  “I understand,” he said quickly, clearly wanting Loki to just get on with it.  

“Good.”  Loki took a sip of his drink as well, then cleared his throat.  “Well, you were correct in thinking that my mental state was altered by more than just coercion.”  He paused again, unsure how to continue.  This part of the story was still a little unclear to him, so trying to make someone else understand was rather daunting.  “I trust that you remember my scepter?”  That seemed as good a place to start as any.

“Of course,” Thor said instantly.  “You used it to mind control Selvig and the others.  Oh,” he breathed, realization dawning on his face.  “The scepter wasn’t just controlling them, was it?  It was also controlling  _you_.”

Grateful that Thor had grasped his meaning so quickly, Loki nodded.  “More or less,” he replied.  “The scepter contained the —”

“Mind Stone,” Thor interrupted.  “I know.  Bruce and Tony studied it after New York and realized how powerful it was.  After that, I started looking into the Infinity Stones and tried to find the rest of them.  With little success, unfortunately.”  Thor frowned at Loki.  “So you were brainwashed, then?”

Loki was tempted to say yes.  How easily he could wipe the slate almost completely clean and start over with his brother, just like Thor said he wanted.  Since Thor had evidently decided to let bygones be bygones as far as the attack on Jotunheim was concerned,  the memory of Midgard was one of the last obstacles standing between them and reestablishing the uncomplicated brotherhood they had shared for years before Loki had thrown it away.  And now Thor was offering to absolve him of that crime too.

But in the interest of this unprecedented openness between them, Loki decided to answer honestly.

“Not exactly,” he said, avoiding Thor’s eye.  “I think it worked differently for me than it did for the others.”

Brow furrowed and chin in hand, Thor was the picture of confusion.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean…,” Loki trailed off, frustrated.  He honestly didn’t understand exactly how the Mind Stone’s influence had worked, so he could only give Thor his best guess.  “Well, the others - Barton and Selvig and the rest - as soon as their connection with the scepter was broken, they forgot nearly everything they had done, right?  But I didn’t.  I still remember it all.”  Loki winced almost imperceptibly as memories of slaughter and chaos flashed through his mind, but he pressed on.  “The others were mindless automatons while they were under its control, just following the orders they were given.  But I wasn’t.  I was still present, witnessing everything, but powerless to stop it even if I wanted to.”  

“If you couldn’t stop it,” Thor said slowly, “then you weren’t really any different than Barton and Selvig.  You still couldn’t control what you were doing.  And who knows?  Maybe their memories did come back eventually, and they didn’t tell us because they didn’t want to go through it all again.”  Thor smiled at him encouragingly.

Would his brother ever stop being so hopelessly optimistic?  Loki gave him an almost pitying look.  “They didn’t,” he said flatly.  “I was connected to them through the scepter.  I know for certain that they had no idea what they were doing — what I was making them do.  But I was different.  I wasn’t just blindly following orders.  I was taking action, making choices.”

Thor leaned forward in his chair and scrutinized Loki’s face.  “I don’t understand,” he said, his consternation obvious.

Loki rubbed his eyes wearily.  This conversation was exhausting, but he had been the one to start it and now he needed to see it through.  “Neither do I,” he said openly, resting his forehead in one hand.  He looked back up at Thor.  “The only way I can think to explain it is that the scepter brought out the worst in me.  It raised all of my darkest thoughts to the surface, all of the worst things I thought about myself, about you.  It emphasized my hatred of Midgard and its inhabitants until it became almost fanatical.”  Loki held Thor’s gaze to emphasize the seriousness of his next words.  “But it didn’t put anything in my head that wasn’t already there.”  

Thor’s expression was inscrutable.  He remained silent, most likely trying to think of another argument he could make in Loki’s favor.

Loki took his silence as an opportunity to damn himself further.  “Thanos saw the darkness in me,” he continued in nearly a whisper, “and decided to use it to his advantage.  But it was  _my_  darkness.  I hated Midgard for teaching you morality and turning you into a righteous hero in a matter of days, when I had tried for centuries and failed.  I wanted to rule them, to make them suffer, before I ever even met Thanos.  Who’s to say I would not have found a way to do so on my own eventually?”

Looking deeply troubled, Thor opened his mouth to interrupt.  “Loki —,” he started.

But Loki couldn’t be stopped now.  “Oh wait, there’s more,” he said, a hysterical edge to his voice.  “Thanos didn’t just see my darkness.  He saw my jealousy, all of my doubts and my fears, and he made it so they were all that I could see too.  He twisted my thoughts about you and poisoned my memories so I didn’t know what I could trust.  When I thought of falling into the Void, I couldn’t remember you screaming and trying to stop me from letting go.  He made me think you  _wanted_  me to.  And that  _made sense to me_.  I thought that you wanted to be rid of me, that you were glad to see me fall.”  Loki let out a hollow laugh.  “And isn’t that almost true?  You did say that a part of you thought things would be easier with me gone.”

Thor flinched, as though Loki’s words had physically struck him.  “Loki, no!  I shouldn’t have said — that’s not what I meant,” he said with anguish.

Feeling slightly calmer, Loki held up his hands in a placating gesture.  “I know that,” he said quietly.  “But I wanted you to see…Thanos may have manipulated me, but I made it easy for him. All of the hate and rage and pain that he had to work with, it all came from me.  So I am still responsible for everything that I did while under his thrall.”  He shrugged.  “I very well might have done it all anyway at some point.”

Thor was shaking his head before Loki even finished speaking.  “I don’t think that’s true,” he said stubbornly.  “Thanos only let you see half the picture.  There’s no way you would have made the same decisions if you had remembered everything clearly.”  

That did make a certain amount of sense.  But giving up responsibility completely would be the equivalent of admitting that he had been a helpless puppet the entire time he was on Midgard, which was not exactly an appealing alternative.  “Perhaps…,” Loki said grudgingly, not quite willing to concede just yet.

“I don’t know why you’re so determined to always see the worst in yourself,” Thor said, frowning.  “It sounds to me like you were brainwashed, just like the others.  The Mind Stone made Barton do things he never would have done otherwise.  I don’t see why it’s not the same for you.”  Thor sat back triumphantly, clearly believing the argument was won.  

Loki smiled sadly.  “Maybe you’re right.”  He still didn’t truly believe it, but Thor obviously needed to.  And he thought maybe it was all right to lie to Thor if it was for his own good.  
   
They each took a drink to fill the somewhat awkward silence that followed.  Loki broke it by clearing his throat.  “Well, I’m sure you remember what happened next.  I was thwarted by your friends, and you took me back to Asgard to deliver me to Odin and my gilded cell.  Which is probably the only thing that kept me safe for the next year, ironically enough,” Loki said, laughing mirthlessly.  

Thor frowned again.  “Do you think Thanos would have come after you if you weren’t imprisoned?”

That added some actual humor to Loki’s laugh.  “Oh, I know he would have,” he said.  “He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that if I failed him, I would face punishment.  Of the eternal variety.”  Loki swallowed, trying to act as though this fear didn’t chill him to the core even now.  “Seeing as I not only failed to retrieve the Tesseract, but also managed to lose the Mind Stone, I would have been lucky if he lost his temper and killed me right away.”

Grasping his chin and pulling at some of the hairs in his beard, Thor looked at Loki with concern and something more unreadable.  Pity, maybe?  He didn’t seem to know what to say.  

Loki supposed he could take this opportunity to inform Thor that he currently had the Tesseract back in his possession.  They were already on the subject, he would probably never get a better chance than this.  But something held him back.  He and Thor were actually talking.  Not arguing, not fighting, but really talking.  He didn’t want to ruin that.  And Thor had just said that he didn’t believe Loki was to blame for his crimes on Midgard.  If he told Thor that he had taken the Tesseract again now, completely uninfluenced, Thor would have to admit that Loki had been culpable back then too, at least in part.  

It wasn’t the right time.  Surely he would find another moment to tell him later.  

“So that’s why you chose to stay dead after Svartalfheim.”  Thor’s voice brought Loki back from his thoughts.  “You were safe while you were in prison.  Thanos couldn’t touch you without risking outright war with Asgard.  But if he heard that you were alive and you were free, you were afraid he would find you.”  

“That about sums it up,” Loki said.  “I knew if I revealed that I was still alive, I would have two options.  Either I would be returned to my cell, which would mean my safety but was still not exactly ideal.  Or my sacrifice would have been enough to earn my freedom and I would become a target for Thanos.”

“So you chose option C,” Thor said drily.  “Fake your death and impersonate your father to live as a king for a few years.”  He shook his head disapprovingly.  “I still don’t really understand that decision.  Wouldn’t it have been easier in some ways to take on a new identity and run?  Didn’t you worry that someone would see through your ruse?  I mean, the play and the statue were kind of suspicious.”

“It may have escaped your notice,” Loki said innocently, “but our people aren’t the brightest.”

Thor narrowed his eye in response.  “I’m serious, Loki,” he said, his voice nearly a growl.  “Why did you impersonate Father and leave him on Earth?  Did you hate him that much?”

Sighing, Loki ran a hand through his hair.  “Partly, yes,” he replied.  “I was still angry at him for lying to me my entire life about who and what I was.  And I wasn’t exactly thrilled with him for throwing me in prison either.  So yes, I wanted revenge.”  Loki looked into Thor’s eye.  “I also knew, as you said earlier, that Thanos wouldn’t risk outright war with Asgard.  As long as I was protected by the might of the Allfather, I was safe.  So actually  _being_  the Allfather…well, it couldn’t get much safer than that.”

Thor still looked angry.  Loki supposed he couldn’t blame him.

“I didn’t mean for him to die,” Loki whispered pleadingly.  “I cast a spell to make him forget who he was and left him on Earth, yes, but I thought that he’d be safe there.  For the first year, I checked on him periodically, and then I guess I just…got caught up in everything,” he finished sheepishly.  “But I really didn’t mean for anything to happen to him.  Please believe that.”

Thor glared at him for a few more seconds, and then scrubbed his face wearily.  “I do believe you,” he said finally.  “I’m still not happy about it, but I believe you didn’t truly mean him harm, at least.  And I understand why you felt the need to pretend you were dead, even if I still wish you had told me.”  He gave Loki a small, pained smile.  

Loki felt an all too familiar pang of regret.  “I wish I had too,” he said, returning Thor’s smile gratefully.  “I almost did, actually.  When you came back to Asgard after defeating Malekith, I was tempted to give up the whole charade.  But then you said I died with honor.”  Loki’s throat felt a bit tight, and he looked down at his hands.  “I didn’t want to ruin that.  I figured those were the best terms I could hope for us to part on.”  

Torn between surprise and exasperation, Thor just shook his head.  “You think honor would have meant more to me than knowing you were alive?”

Loki looked back up and met his gaze.  “Not anymore."

Silence fell over them again.  Loki finished his drink and glanced longingly over toward the bed.  This had truly been one of the longest days of his life, including both of the times he had died.  

“Well,” Thor said, sounding as exhausted as Loki felt, “is there anything else that I should know?”  

Loki thought of the Tesseract, safely hidden away.  He thought of Thanos’ quest for the remaining Infinity Stones and his insane plan to eventually wipe out half of the universe’s population.  He thought of the Black Order, and how Thor could certainly benefit from learning more about them, in case they were ever to meet in combat.  

But he also noticed the deep worry lines in his brother’s face and the purple bruises under his eyes.

“No,” Loki said, “I think we’ve covered more than enough for tonight.”  

“Good, because I think I’m about to pass out.”  Thor chuckled in relief.  “You’re welcome to stay here tonight.  All of the rooms have been taken, but I’m sure we can find somewhere else for you to stay tomorrow.”

Loki eyed the angular couch upholstered in the same red vinyl as the chair he was sitting in.  “Well, thank goodness for the Grandmaster’s luxurious taste in furniture,” he sighed, standing up.  

Thor stood as well.  “We could share the bed,” he said awkwardly, gesturing in its direction.  

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Loki briefly considered the offer.  The bed looked far more comfortable than the couch, but Loki hadn’t slept solidly through the night since his time with Thanos and he didn’t want to disturb Thor’s rest any more than he already had.  “We’re not children anymore, Thor,” he said, waving a hand in dismissal.  “The couch will be fine.”

“Suit yourself.”  Thor started to reach out like he wanted to put a hand on Loki’s shoulder or possibly even hug him again, but then he thought better of it and disguised the movement as a stretch.  “Well…goodnight then.”

“Goodnight, brother,” Loki said, amused.  Trust Thor to turn saying goodnight into something awkward after Loki had literally just spent hours baring his soul to him.  

As he settled onto the couch, he heard Thor’s voice drift back across the room.  

“Loki…after everything you told me tonight, I just want to say…I’m even more glad that you’re still here.”

Loki’s last thought before he fell asleep was that perhaps it was so easy for him to believe the worst of himself because he knew that he could always count on Thor to see the best.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading!!
> 
> I will probably have one more chapter to add to this story, and possibly an epilogue!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki has a nightmare. Thor tries to comfort him.

_Loki was suspended in midair, desperately gripping one end of Gungnir to keep from falling into the abyss that loomed below him.  His breath froze in his chest as he looked down past his feet into the infinite darkness.  It was such a very long way to fall._

_He grasped Gungnir tighter and tried to pull himself up, but his palms had grown clammy and he kept slipping.  Tearing his eyes away from the Void, he looked up at Thor, who was kneeling at the shattered edge of the Bifrost and holding the other end of the spear.  Thor stared down at him with an unreadable expression._

_“Brother, please!” Loki cried.  “Help me!”  He continued struggling in vain to lift himself, but only slipped further down until his hand was a mere inch from the bottom of the spear._

_For seconds that turned into hours, Thor simply looked at him, his expression unchanged.  Then he smiled, cold and cruel, and shook his head slowly.  “Oh, Loki,” he said, “I don’t think that would do anyone any good, do you?”_  
   
Shock coursed through Loki as he gaped at his brother, speechless.  He didn’t understand.  Thor always helped him, no matter what he had done.  “Wh-what?” he gasped.  “What are you talking about?” 

_Thor gave him a pitying look.  “Did you really think this could end any other way?”_

_“I don’t —” Loki cut off, frustrated.  He was literally hanging inches away from death, and Thor chose this moment to speak in riddles?  “Stop being cryptic and just pull me up!” he said angrily._

_Thor laughed mockingly, still making no move to stand or raise the spear.  “Someday you’ll see that this was for the best,” he said with a condescending tilt of his head.  “For all of us.”_

_Before Loki could say anything else, before he could even think, Thor let go.  Loki screamed, “Thor, no!” but it was too late.  He was already falling, his brother’s scornful laughter chasing him as he descended further into nothing._

_He landed in a small, dark room.  Dazed, he turned slowly, taking in his surroundings.  He knew this place.  He was back in his cell on the Sanctuary.  He was Thanos’ prisoner._

_Panic stole the air from his lungs. He needed to get out of here.  Surely there must be a way to escape, a vent, a loose panel, something—_

_Without warning, the door to his cell burst open, Loki’s head snapping in its direction.  He braced himself to face whichever minion had been sent to torment him, determined to fight this time.  They could steal his freedom, but they would never take his dignity.  He lifted his chin and stared defiantly at the doorway, ready for anything that could appear._

_Except, apparently, for Thor.  As his brother came into view, Loki froze in shock, his head swimming and his knees threatening to buckle.  He blinked furiously, certain that he was imagining things, but there was no mistaking that long blond hair or the hammer hanging at his side.  This didn’t make any sense.  Thor had just let him fall.  What was he doing here now?  Had he come to finish the job?_

_“Loki,” Thor said in a low voice, striding over to him. “You need to come with me, now.”_

_Loki just stared at him.  “What?” he said, uncomprehending.  “What are you doing here?”_

_Thor looked confused as well.  “What do you mean?” he asked.  “I’ve come to get you out of here, of course.  Now let’s go!”  He started to turn around._

_Loki still didn’t move.  “But you sent me here,” he said blankly.  “You let me go.”_

_Turning to face him again, Thor walked back over and placed a hand on his shoulder.  “Loki,” he said slowly, “You’re confused.  You know I would never do that.  I’m here to help you.”  Thor smiled warmly, the complete opposite of the cold, indifferent look he had given him from the Bifrost.  “So come on!  This is the rescue part of the rescue mission.”_

_Reassured, Loki nodded.  Thor was right, he must have been mistaken before, disoriented by shock and fear.  This was his brother; he would follow him anywhere.  Thor would never abandon him._

_Thor led Loki out into the hall, which seemed to be clear, but Loki knew better than to feel secure.  “Where’s Thanos?” he whispered, looking around to make sure no one was behind them.  “Did you see anyone on your way in?”_

_Thor shook his head.  “No one,” he replied in hushed tones.  “I don’t know where Thanos is.  But we need to be quiet.  It’s just a little further to the escape pods.”_

_Escape pods, that was odd.  He had thought Thor might have his own ship.  “How did you get here?” he asked curiously.  “With the Bifrost broken?”_

_“I, uh…,” Thor hesitated, keeping his face forward so Loki couldn’t see his expression.  “The Allfather sent me.”_

_That seemed fair enough.  But still, a feeling of unease lingered at the back of his mind, a nagging suspicion that something wasn’t quite right. “But —,” he started to say._

_“Shhh,” Thor silenced him with an impatient wave of his hand.  He hurried ahead, gesturing for Loki to follow.  “It’s just around this corner,” he said, stopping at an intersection with another hallway.  “There’s just one more thing.”_

_Abruptly, Thor turned and swung Mjölnir into Loki’s leg._

_Crumpling, Loki heard the shriek of agony before he registered that it had come from him.  The pain was blinding, the bones in his right knee obviously shattered.  Escape was no longer an option.  He knew if he even tried to stand he would likely pass out._

_From his kneeling position, he struggled to focus on Thor, his vision blurry with tears.  “Why?” he choked out, his voice barely more than a wheeze._

_Thor started to laugh, but the voice that emerged was not his brother’s.  It was high and sinister, and Loki recognized it.  He squeezed his eyes shut as though it would block out both the laughter and the pain, and when he looked up again he was back in his cell with Ebony Maw standing over him instead of Thor._

_“It’s pathetic how easy it is to trick you whenever your brother’s involved,” he sneered.  “And here I thought you were supposed to be the trickster.”_

_Panting harshly, Loki looked down at his leg and had to clench his teeth against the wave of nausea that rolled through him.  His right thigh had been skewered just above the knee with a metal pipe at least an inch in diameter.  Unable to look away, he stared at the pipe, transfixed, as Ebony Maw used his telekinesis to twist it deeper into his leg, tearing through tendons and grinding against bone.  Loki screamed and screamed, and when he finally sank into unconsciousness, it was with relief._

_He jerked awake suddenly, with confusion and a pounding headache.  At first unsure what had woken him, Loki realized quickly that he was parched, his mouth as dry as cotton.  He looked around for water, gradually noticing the heat before it occurred to him what room he was in.  Catching sight of a jug a few feet away, Loki tried to reach for it, but his arm was pulled back by a heavy chain.  Then he realized._

_He was in the boiler room.  Chained to the boiler._

_Don’t panic, he told himself, his heart racing traitorously.  His captors must not want to kill him, or they would have done it already.  But they didn’t know he was a frost giant.  In truth, Loki had no idea how much heat it would take to kill him.  It might not be nearly as much as they thought._

_Sweat pouring down his forehead and the back of his neck, Loki struggled hopelessly against his chains.  Ordinarily, he’d be able to magic his way out of these binds with a snap of his fingers, but he was already too weak from near starvation and daily bouts of torture. The constant need to heal himself had depleted his magic reserves almost entirely.  He felt dizzy, his tongue beginning to swell in his throat, but whether it was due to the heat or his still rising panic, he couldn’t say._

_He tried to swallow, but his throat was too tight, his airway constricted by his own tongue.  His vision started to go dark around the edges.  Oh no, Loki thought wildly.  I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe –_

_The door flew forward, breaking clean off its hinges.  Thor burst into the room, hammer held high and eyes blazing.  At the sight of Loki, he raced forward and dropped to his knees beside him._

_“Brother,” Thor said, his voice rough with emotion.  He reached for him, but Loki shrank back, the memory of Mjölnir crushing his leg still fresh in his mind._

_That wasn’t him, Loki reminded himself.  It was an illusion created by Ebony Maw, meant to chip away at his increasingly fragile psyche.  The thought brought him no comfort._

_“You’re not real,” Loki said tonelessly.  “You’re not here.”_

_Thor furrowed his brow in confusion, the expression so endearingly familiar that Loki wanted to laugh.  “Loki,” Thor said softly, “what do you mean?  Of course I’m here.”_

_“No.”  Loki gave Thor’s illusion a sad smile.  “They like to trick me, you see.  And you’re their favorite method.”_

_Thor’s expression shifted from confused to concerned.  But of course, his captors wouldn’t want their illusion to appear to understand.  “Loki,” Thor said again, placing his hands on both of Loki’s shoulders, “This isn’t a trick.  This is real, I’m here.  I came after you.”_

_“How did you know where I was?” Loki asked.  “How did you get here?”_

_“Heimdall saw you,” Thor said as though it were obvious.  “He looked for you every day.  Did you think we would ever give up hope that you survived?”  He smiled as he brushed away a strand of hair that was stuck to Loki’s sweaty forehead._

_That was…more compelling than usual.  Loki wasn’t going to give in that easily, though.  He needed to be absolutely sure that he wasn’t about to walk into another trap.  “But how did you get here without the Bifrost?” Loki asked insistently._

_“It’s difficult, but Father can summon the energy to travel between realms when he needs to,” Thor said, frowning.  “When we realized where you were, he sent me to bring you home.”_

_Against his better judgement, hope began to swell in Loki’s chest.  “You’re really here?” he asked, not bothering to conceal the tears stinging his eyes.  “You came after me, after everything I’ve done?”_

_“Of course,” Thor said simply.  “You’re my brother.”_

_Raising his arms as much as the chains would allow, Loki hugged Thor fiercely.  “Okay, I believe you,” he said, his voice muffled against Thor’s shoulder.  “Let’s get the hell out of here.”_

_Thor leaned back and picked up Mjölnir.  When he raised the hammer, Loki couldn’t help but flinch.  “I’m not going to hurt you,” Thor said, his own hurt evident on his face.  “I just need to break the chains.”_

_Thor brought the hammer down in two quick motions, and Loki was free.  He rose shakily to his feet, using Thor’s arm for support.  “Thank you, brother,” Loki said gratefully._

_Thor smiled at him, bringing his other hand up to clasp the back of Loki’s neck in a familial gesture as old as their brotherhood itself.  He looked at Loki like he wanted to say something — and then a metal bar burst through the front of his throat._

_“No!” Loki gasped as Thor’s blood splattered across his face. Thor crumpled to the floor, taking Loki down with him. Loki’s hands hovered over Thor’s neck, around the pipe. Should he remove it, or would that just cause Thor to bleed out faster? If only he had his magic, he could heal him in an instant. He tried frantically to draw on his reserves, but nothing would come, not even a flicker._

_Eyes wide and terrified, Thor seemed desperate to communicate something. He gripped Loki’s arm weakly, his mouth opening wordlessly, but the only sound he could manage was an awful gurgle. Loki pressed his hands into the wound in a futile attempt to stem the flow of blood, but there was just so much. “Stay with me, brother,” Loki sobbed._

_A tear slid from the corner of Thor’s eye into his hair, and Loki was sure that he was thinking the same thing Loki once had when their positions were reversed – that he would if he could. He briefly squeezed Loki’s arm, even now trying to reassure him that everything would be all right. But then his hand fell limply to the ground, and Loki watched as the light dimmed in his brother’s eyes._

_All of the air vanished from the room. Loki realized his arms and legs were trembling so violently that they appeared to be vibrating, but they didn’t seem to belong to him. They didn’t feel real. Nothing felt real._

_He dropped his head to Thor’s chest and closed his eyes, determined to follow him into the dark. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be how it was meant to end._

_He felt the shadow looming behind him before he heard the deep voice that made his blood run cold._

_“Have you had enough, Asgardian?”_

_Loki opened his eyes. He was huddled alone on the floor. Thor’s body had disappeared, leaving no trace of blood nor any other sign that he had ever been there._

_Something in Loki’s mind snapped, and he started to laugh hysterically. They had finally done it. They had broken him. He continued to laugh, a mad, insane sound, and he didn’t think he would ever be able to stop –_

 

“Loki.  Loki!  LOKI!”  
   
A slap to his face brought Loki abruptly back to consciousness. He looked around, wild-eyed, still trapped in his nightmare.  The first thing he saw was Thor’s face hovering anxiously above him, and he flinched away in terror.  
   
_Not again_ , he thought desperately, squeezing his eyes shut.   _No more, please, no more._  
   
He realized he was speaking out loud when Thor asked, “No more what?”  Thor grabbed his shoulders roughly.  “Loki, what’s wrong?”  
   
Loki refused to look at him.  “You’re not real,” he muttered repeatedly under his breath.  “This isn’t real, you’re not here, you’re not real.”  
   
Thor moved his hands from Loki’s shoulders to his face.  “Loki,” he said softly, “this is real.  I’m here.  Don’t you know where you are?”  Loki could hear the heartbreak in Thor’s voice even if he couldn’t see his face.  “Please, brother, look at me.”  
   
Against his will, Loki opened his eyes and looked into Thor’s.  Or rather, Thor’s one eye.  That wasn’t right.  In all of his visions on the Sanctuary, Thor always had two eyes.  What had happened to his other eye?  
   
Loki remembered.  Hela, Surtur, Asgard burning.  He was aboard the Statesman, with Thor.  He was safe.  
   
For now.    
   
Thor was kneeling beside the couch that Loki was still stretched out on, looking downright shaken by Loki’s momentary lapse in sanity.  Realization washed over him, with humiliation right on its heels.  Loki closed his eyes again, this time in shame.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.    
   
Thor shook his head.  “Don’t be,” he said, clearly relieved that Loki seemed to have regained his faculties.  “It was just a bad dream.  You’re all right.”  
   
It was more than just a dream, but Loki didn’t tell Thor that.  He had a feeling he didn’t need to.  Thor’s face was still tight with worry, a haunted look in his eye.  “What did you hear?” Loki asked reluctantly.   _What did I do_  went unsaid.    
   
“Um…well, you were shouting and thrashing about…you yelled my name a few times.”  Thor leaned back and looked away from Loki’s face, obviously uncomfortable.  “Then…you started laughing.”  
   
Groaning, Loki sat up and buried his face in his hands.  “I’m sorry,” he said again.  
   
“Stop,” Thor said sternly, pulling his arms away from his face.  “You don’t need to apologize.”  He paused, deliberating over something.  “What were you dreaming about?” he finally asked.  
   
Laughing humorlessly, Loki shook his head.  “Believe me, you don’t want to know.”  
   
The worry lines in Thor’s expression deepened.  “Does this happen often?”  
   
Loki considered whether he wanted to answer honestly, but really, what was the point of lying now?  “Only almost every night,” he replied, keeping his tone as casual as he could.  “Sakaar was actually a bit of a reprieve.  I usually fell asleep too drunk to remember any of my dreams.”  He glanced a bit longingly toward the table stocked with bottles of liquor.  It was tempting, but he wasn’t sure how much longer they’d be stuck on this ship.  Better to make the supplies last.    
   
“Do you want to talk about it?” Thor asked hesitantly.      
   
Loki looked down, twisting his hands in his lap.  “I really don’t.”    
   
“But —,” Thor began.  
   
“Thor, it’s fine,” Loki interrupted before Thor could press the subject further.  “I had a nightmare, it’s over, I’m fine.  Please, just go back to bed.”    
 Frowning, Thor looked like he wanted to argue, but then he suddenly stood.  “Fine,” he said, and pulled Loki up too.  “Come on.”  
   
“Wait – what – what are you doing?” Loki stuttered as Thor dragged him over to the bed.  
   
“I’m not leaving you there to stare at the ceiling all night,” Thor said firmly.  “You need to get some rest, and the bed is more comfortable.”  
   
Loki tried to pull back, but he was no match for his brother’s viselike grip.  “This is ridiculous!” he said, flustered.  “Really, Thor, I’m f –”  
   
“You’re not fine!” Thor shouted, dropping his arm and turning to face him.  “You’re exhausted and you’re terrified, and as far as I can tell, you have been for years.  You avoided your problems by pretending they didn’t exist.  By pretending _you_ didn’t exist.”  Thor rested his hand on Loki’s shoulder again and looked at him with equal parts exasperation and affection.  “You can’t run forever, Loki.”  
   
All of the fight went out of him at Thor’s words.  He knew he couldn’t keep running.  Why else would he be there?  “I might hurt you,” Loki said dully, shoulder slumping beneath Thor’s hand, “if I thrash around again.  Or at the very least, I’ll keep you awake.”  
   
Thor’s face broke into a weary smile.  “I don’t care,” he said resolutely.  “You don’t have to deal with this on your own anymore.”  
   
Loki hadn’t known how badly he needed to hear those words until Thor said them.  He’d been on his own for so long, he’d forgotten there was any other way to be.  It felt like a great weight had been lifted off of his chest now that Thor knew the darkest secrets from his past and wanted him there anyway.   
   
This time, he didn’t resist when Thor led him over to the bed.  He climbed in beside his brother and allowed Thor to throw the blanket over them both.  Lying on his back, he kept his eyes forward as Thor leaned over to turn off the lamp on the bedside table.  
   
As his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness, Thor’s voice drifted over to him.   
   
“Loki?”  
   
Loki’s heart sank.  Thor was going to insist that he tell him more about the dream.  It had been painful enough to see it in his mind once, Loki couldn’t bear to recount it all, at least not yet.  But he also couldn’t deny Thor when he was being so unexpectedly accommodating.  “Yes, brother?” he replied calmly, masking his apprehension.  
   
“Sorry for slapping you.”  
   
After a brief, shocked silence, Loki let out a breathless laugh, which Thor returned.  Shifting to lay on his side, he closed his eyes and listened as Thor’s breathing slowly evened out, until he fell back into his own thankfully dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few final moments with Thor and Loki before Thanos crashes their party :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the last installment in this story! I'm sorry it took me so long to finish this. I had every intention of posting the last chapter before Endgame, but my family came to visit and I started a new job and life just kind of got away from me.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

The next few days passed in a flurry of activity.  As it turned out, there was much to be done to make long-term life support feasible aboard a Sakaaran pleasure vessel.   
   
The tasks were seemingly endless.  They needed to inventory the ship’s supplies and determine how best to ration them; create a roster of the refugees from Asgard as well as the former slaves from Sakaar; adapt common areas of the ship into living quarters to house said refugees; and set up a makeshift healing ward for those who had been injured in the fight against Hela.  Fortunately, a few Asgardian healers were among the survivors, but they could only handle so much.  As a result, Loki spent much of his time in the healing ward as well, using his skills to contribute where he could.   
   
He and Thor were kept so busy throughout the following days that they barely had a chance to speak until the evenings, when they returned, exhausted, to their room.  As they decompressed from the day’s challenges, they made a point to keep their conversations light, both steering clear of their earlier emotionally-charged revelations.  Thor’s offer to find Loki his own quarters went unmentioned by either of them.  
   
And if Thor noticed when Loki jolted awake each night with a gasp, he didn’t mention that either.   
   
As Loki stared at the ceiling, panting and trying to convince himself that the shadows on the wall weren’t planning to attack him, Thor would slide his hand over to touch Loki’s arm, a wordless reminder that he was there.  Loki knew Thor would listen if he decided to tell him exactly what disturbed his sleep, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.  Maybe in time, he would be able to share all of his ghosts with Thor without feeling like he was breathing life back into them.  For now, though, Loki found that his brother’s presence alone was enough to help him return to his senses faster and fall back to sleep more easily than he ever had before.  
   
Their hectic days of planning and organizing finally culminated in Thor’s long overdue coronation.  It took place on the observation deck of the Statesman rather than the throne room they had always imagined. As Thor took his seat in another of the Grandmaster’s strangely geometric chairs — surely the last thing he ever expected would serve as his throne — Loki lingered near the back of the room, unsure if his presence was wanted. He couldn’t help but remember Thor’s first coronation, the one he had selfishly, jealously ruined. It was true that his brother had not been ready to be king then; Loki was sure even Thor himself would not deny that. However, they might have both been spared a great deal of suffering if Loki had allowed that day to proceed as planned. 

Loki wondered if Thor was having similar thoughts. Surely he must also be reminiscing about that day when their lives were so irrevocably changed. And if he weren’t already, Loki’s presence would undoubtedly remind him. Maybe it would be better for everyone if he just left. 

_He wants you here_ , Loki told himself. _How many times does he have to say he’s glad that you’re here before you believe him?_

Forcing his shoulders back, Loki made his way to the platform at the front of the room where Thor and his companions were gathered. When he reached them, he slipped past the Hulk to stand between him and the Valkyrie, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible. He kept his eyes trained on Thor, waiting for the whispers from the crowd, that he was a traitor, that he didn’t belong there. But they didn’t come. The people remained silent, their attention also focused on Thor, and no one seemed to find it remotely strange that Loki stood by his side. 

When Heimdall asked Thor where they should go and Thor immediately looked to Loki for advice, he was further reassured. Although he was too surprised to offer an answer, Loki was heartened by the fact that Thor would consult his opinion for his first official decision as king.

Less heartening was the fact that, in the absence of suggestions, Thor decided on Earth as their destination. 

Loki was contemplating the likely ramifications of this decision a few hours later when Thor found him staring out the window on an isolated bridge. While everyone else was celebrating their new king, Loki had seized the opportunity to slip away unnoticed, much preferring the company of his own thoughts. Evidently Thor had felt the same.

The brothers stood in silence for a moment, gazing out into space. After a few seconds of internal deliberation, Loki decided to voice his concerns.

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to go back to Earth?” he asked skeptically. 

“Yes, of course,” Thor said without hesitation. “The people of Earth love me, I’m very popular.” He looked back toward Loki, one corner of his mouth twitching upward.

Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Let me rephrase that,” he said. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to bring me back to Earth?” He kept his gaze forward, half afraid of what he would see if he met Thor’s eye. Pity? Or confirmation that his doubts were well founded?

Apparently the latter.

“Probably not,” Thor said, but his tone was gentle. He offered a small smile that Loki couldn’t help but return. “I wouldn’t worry, brother,” he continued, turning back toward the window. “I feel like everything’s going to work out fine.”

Before Loki could respond, a shadow fell over the two of them, cast by a gargantuan ship that had risen into space directly in front of the Statesman. The new ship dwarfed theirs many times over and was horribly, sickeningly familiar.

Loki’s blood turned to ice; he forgot how to breathe. His vision narrowed until the only thing he could see was the ship that haunted every one of his nightmares. He squeezed his eyes shut.

_This isn’t real. This is a dream. It’s not really there._

He opened his eyes. The ship was still there. 

Dimly, he became aware that Thor was speaking next to him, calling his name, but his voice sounded very far away. Loki couldn’t answer him. He was frozen in place, unable to tear his eyes from the ship before them.

Until Thor gripped his shoulders and spun him around roughly to face him. There was concern and confusion in his expression, but not the abject terror that should have been there. He didn’t know, then. He had no idea what was about to happen.

“What is it, Loki?” Thor asked urgently. “Whose ship is that?”

Loki tried to speak but no sound came out. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Thanos,” he said hoarsely. “It’s Thanos.”

“What?” Thor said. But Loki could tell by the stricken look on his face that he had heard him. Thor’s grip on his shoulders tightened painfully. “How did he find us?”

Loki thought of the tesseract, in their presence at this very moment but magically concealed. Thanos must have sensed that it was no longer on Asgard and been drawn to its power. In an impulsive moment of greed, Loki had doomed them all. 

But it would do little good to tell Thor that now.

“He’s come for me,” Loki said faintly. It was at least half true.

Thor’s eye narrowed and he set his jaw in a familiar look of determination. “Well, he can’t have you,” he growled. An unmistakable charge of electricity accompanied his words, crackling in the air around them.

In spite of everything, Loki felt a surge of affection for his fearsome, foolish older brother, who he now knew would always believe the best in him. Would do anything to protect him. Was about to die defending him.

And he made a decision.

“You need to leave,” Loki said urgently, grabbing Thor’s arm and pulling him down the bridge. “We need to get to the escape pods, or else the Commodore —”

“What?” Thor stopped in his tracks and ripped his arm from Loki’s grasp. “Loki, no. I’m not leaving.”

“You must.” Loki stared pleadingly into Thor’s face, urging him to understand. “He will kill everyone on board. Our only chance is to get away now, before he realizes.”

Clearly taken aback by his desperation, Thor looked at Loki for a moment and then shook his head. “I’m not running away.”

“We ran from Hela,” Loki said stubbornly.

Anger flickered across Thor’s face. “That was different. We had no choice.”

“We don’t have a choice now!”

“Of course we do! We can stay and fight. We’ve faced worse odds, there must be some chance —”

At these words, Loki lost all semblance of control. He laughed humorlessly, a manic cackle similar to the ones from his dreams. “You didn’t listen to a word I said, did you? We have no chance! None!” he shouted. “If we stay, we will die. Quickly, if we’re lucky.”

They stared at each other wordlessly, an invisible barrier between them. Even before Thor spoke, Loki knew the argument was lost. His brother was looking at him as though seeing him in a new light — or rather, an old one. Loki recognized his expression from their fight on the Bifrost so many years ago, and their fraught encounters on Midgard not long after. He had seen it too during Thor’s lone visit to his cell on Asgard, and then again when Thor had been the one imprisoned on Sakaar.

Disappointment. 

Loki didn’t think he could have possibly felt worse at this moment, but apparently he’d been wrong. 

“You can go,” Thor said quietly. “I won’t stop you. But I’m staying. I did not destroy our home planet to save our people just so I could leave them to be slaughtered now.”

Loki had no response so that. Of course Thor wouldn’t leave. It had been ridiculous to even consider for a second that he might. Panic had stolen all reason from his mind. 

Thor waited for a moment, clearly hoping that Loki would agree with him and stay. When Loki said nothing, Thor shook his head sadly and slowly turned. Loki’s throat burned as he watched Thor walk away. He could not willingly bring himself to watch his brother die in one of his nightmares come to life, but he also could not let things end like this.

“Thor, I —”

Just then, an alarm sounded from another wing of the ship, followed by distant crashes. They were out of time. Thanos was either on board already or would be any minute.

“There you two are!”

Valkyrie appeared suddenly from around a corner, running towards them. She skidded to a stop in front of Thor, gasping for air. “We’re in trouble,” she said breathlessly. “Hostile forces are trying to board the ship. They’ve already breached the outer shields.”

“We know,” Thor said. “It’s Thanos.”

“Thanos?” Valkyrie gaped at him. “Well, we’re fucked.”

“Gather all of the women, children, and elderly that you can find and get them to the Commodore,” Thor said quickly. “We need to evacuate as many as we can. Send anyone willing and able to fight to the observation deck.”

“Got it, boss,” Valkyrie said. “I’ll meet you there.”

“No,” Thor said. Valkyrie looked indignant, but Thor’s tone left no room for discussion. “Stay with the evacuees on the Commodore. Protect them and get them to safety.” She opened her mouth to argue, but Thor cut her off. “They’ll need you. You know they will.” 

Valkyrie hesitated, still obviously opposed to this plan. Something in Thor’s expression must have convinced her because she gave a curt nod and started off back down the hall. As she reached the end, she turned back to face them. “Hey guys,” she called with a most uncharacteristic waver in her voice. Her gaze shifted from Thor to Loki and back again. “Don’t die,” she said and vanished around the corner. 

Clearing his throat, Thor turned back towards Loki. “I guess this is goodbye then,” he said gruffly. He looked like he wanted to say more, but after a few seconds he just gave Loki a sad smile and started to walk away from him once again. 

Every instinct in Loki’s body told him to run. To take the tesseract and use it to transport himself far away, somewhere Thanos could never find him. But as he watched Thor leave, he knew, with just as much certainty, that if he abandoned him now, he would regret it for the rest of his sorry existence.

Well, there was no sense in wasting any more time thinking about it. 

“Thor, wait!” Loki called, forcing himself to run after him. Thor turned with a heartbreakingly hopeful look on his face. “You’re right,” Loki said, “there’s always a chance —”

Before Loki could say another word, Thor crushed him in an embrace even tighter than the first one they had shared on this ship. He quickly released him, but brought a hand up to clasp the back of Loki’s neck. “Come on, brother,” he said, with a fervor that was only brought on by the promise of battle. “Let’s go kill Thanos.”

As Loki followed Thor to the observation deck, he felt faintly guilty that his potential last words to Thor were a lie. He knew it was nearly impossible that the two of them would both survive what was to come. But maybe, just maybe, they would be able to take Thanos down with them. And besides, hadn’t he already decided that it was alright to lie to Thor for his own good?

This time, when Thor marched to the front of the observation deck to start shouting out commands to the troops already gathered, Loki took his place by his brother’s side without any hesitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone for reading!! This is my first real attempt at fanfic and I truly appreciate all of the kudos and comments so, so much!
> 
> To everyone who was hoping I would diverge from the mid-credits scene and give our boys a happy ending, I'm sorry! My goal with this story was always to keep it very canon-compliant to help me process my post-Ragnarok and IW feels. But I do have some other ideas for fix-its and AU's, so stay tuned!


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